A few days ago, when I was teaching everyone in Hainan, I asked my friends to write down the most distressing problems they felt and gave them to me in the form of a note. Some women wrote that their marriage had disintegrated, and they faced countless problems alone. pain, feeling physically and mentally exhausted, and even dying of pain.
Coincidentally, in the past two days, I have been connected to the WeChat of two female friends, saying that I am divorced and my body is a mess. How should I recuperate? I think that if you practice Chinese medicine for a long time, you will really become half a psychiatrist.
The divorce of one of my friends made me feel very sudden. She said that her ten-year marriage disintegrated within a week. Her husband suddenly told her that he fell in love with a girl in her twenties and hoped to spend the rest of her life with her, and he resolutely let her choose out. She was straightforward and agreed immediately, and completed all the procedures within a week. But then her pain gradually burst out.
Then, she repeatedly said that she couldn't figure it out: I have paid so much for this family, ten years of perseverance, ten years of dedication, I have sacrificed too many things, but in the end I got this ending? ! why is that? This made her sleepless all night, and her physical condition declined sharply.
I think the first thing to do is to express sympathy, because for women, divorce means a lot. After living for so many years, the two people who depended on each other, now that he suddenly betrayed, his outlook on life would be subverted.
At the same time, living habits will also be changed. I was used to relying on my husband before, but now I suddenly want to leave that familiar person. There will be many traces in my life, such as the houses we lived in, the places we visited, the food we ate, These can cause great pain. It's stripping, and for women, it's brutal.
In addition, social relations, relatives and friends will have discussions, parents will have pressure, etc., all of which need to be faced independently.
So, how to solve it? I think while prescribing prescriptions to recuperate the body, in addition to severely condemning the man's change of heart, we can also say a few words of enlightenment.
First, about parting.
Yesterday I watched CCTV's "Long Reader". Zhang Aijia read aloud "Out of Africa". In the interview, she talked about her emotional experience. Zhang Aijia was also a famous figure in the past. After the emotional ups and downs, she calmly said in the program:
Women should learn to look at things this way. Each of us comes and goes alone. After all, a person has to face the world by himself. Don't put everything on another person, thinking that there is this person. Happiness, tragedy without this person, is not like that. The fate between you and another person is certain, and you have walked a certain road together. When the fate time is up, the two of you will walk on the road that diverges and go farther and farther, so in the end, you have to walk your own road well.
That's probably what she meant. When the song "The Price of Love" she sang after going through vicissitudes was played on the show, it was very touching.
I think Zhang Aijia's attitude is more positive. In this world, women must learn to live well on their own. Having a good lover is just icing on the cake. If not, you have to live well yourself.
As for social pressure, I think women will think more about it. In fact, there are more and more divorces in society. In fact, at the beginning, many women felt that social pressure would overwhelm them. In fact, they really divorced , I found that there are divorced people around, and everyone doesn't pay much attention to themselves. I remember I went to a work unit. In that office, most of the ladies were divorced. Everyone worked normally, and they often had dinner after work.
Then, what I want to point out is that the attitudes of these two ladies are very sad and sad. Their main argument is that they have lost money, paid so much for the family, and abandoned so much. got this result?
This is what I mainly talked about, and I said at the time: Can we look at the problem from another angle?
If you always look at the problem in this way, you will be unhappy for the rest of your life, because you think that you have paid countless, ten years, devoted yourself wholeheartedly, and now there is no result. This is a doomed loss-making business. It is clear that it is asymmetrical. The result is left here. It is destined to be a bitter fruit. If you are fine, take it out and weigh this bitter fruit. Will there be happiness for the rest of your life?
So, my point is: don't think about how I gave, try to forget the things that I gave so much.
In fact, a marriage is paid by both people. If you think about it carefully, the man is also paid. The goal of everyone must be the same. In fact, strictly speaking, this is also paid for and preset for yourself. A life purpose is giving, that's part of life.
Even if you are not in marriage, you still have to put in all kinds of efforts every day, and pay for your life. The only difference is that in a marriage, you may change your own trajectory for the sake of coordination, but this is actually a payment for your own future.
Therefore, life is inherently full of sacrifices, whether in marriage or outside of marriage.
For example, if you are preparing for a Ph.D. exam, you have worked hard for several years, studied hard, turned down many job opportunities, and failed in the end. This is the same thing, so much effort, but no return. But all that reading for the exam is for nothing? What you study will also be useful.
Therefore, if from now on, you often feel sad at night: "Why did I pay so much, and I haven't been admitted to a Ph.D., it's so unfair!" Then you will be unhappy for the rest of your life. Know that all learning improves your life.
Therefore, I suggest them to change their perspective and think that this is all the experience of their own life, and there are many beautiful things. It is just a stage of life. When this stage is about to leave, you have to learn to say goodbye to the good times and say to the man : Thank you for your company, thank you for our joint efforts, and thank you for the beauty you brought me.
Then, start a new life. If you think about it this way, it will alleviate your resentment that you feel that you have given nothing in return.
I've seen divorced ladies, many years have passed, the children from the ex-husband's remarriage are all in school, and this lady is still living with resentment, it's her own torture, it won't do any good for the future.
In addition, I think another thing women need to do at this time is to reflect.
When something goes wrong in a marriage, it is fair to say that it is definitely not just one person's problem. Marriage is the art of coordination between two people. Why did the coordination fail later? What have you learned from this marriage? There must be reasons that can be summed up. Blindly blaming the other party may not be beneficial. What I think is how to sum up can benefit your own future.
Someone will probably accuse me: "You mean that divorce blames women?" No, my idea is: since divorce has become a fact, it is a bad thing in itself, but we can't let bad things have a worse impact , We must find out the experience and lessons from here, so as to make our future better and not make the same mistakes.
Therefore, at this time, women can reflect on whether they have maintained their improvement after marriage? Why are you not in sync with your ex-husband? What are the problems in communication? How did these problems evolve?
Now women have heavy tasks, there are pressures in the workplace, housework at home, taking care of children, coordinating the relationship between family members, maintaining common progress with their husbands, communicating feelings, and creating sentiments. This really requires wisdom. , how to run it effectively is an art.
Some women take care of their own children, do everything by themselves, do housework by themselves, are unkempt, and have to go to work, but allow their husbands to play games wholeheartedly when they get home from work, chat online on the computer, and then slowly communicate with young girls in online chat. Don't you think this lady is also responsible for this result?
I'm afraid, I don't feel at ease about child rearing, I take care of everything, and I feel that only my own meticulousness is the only way to love children. Is there such a mentality? I have seen such a woman who does all the housework by herself, and her husband just plays games when he comes home. I asked why, because women feel that only they can take care of their children, and their husbands can't do anything. I advised her to assign some housework to her husband, but she flatly refused: "The child will starve to death."
I don't want to talk about this matter much, but divorce is always a failure in life. My point of view is that every time there is a failure, there must be a major reason. If you don't sum it up, it is a hidden danger. After some women get divorced, they immediately rush to find the next relationship to make up for the pain. I think it is not advisable, because the same mistakes will happen again and again.
Another thing I want to say is to persuade them to look forward and learn to let go.
When we talk about the "Tao Te Ching", we always talk about the principle that good and evil depend on each other. There are many things in this world that you cannot simply define as "good" or "bad", because different perspectives lead to different results. And things keep changing.
Many of the women I have met have found true happiness in their second marriage after divorce. In the first marriage, perhaps because of the young age and other reasons, the criteria for choosing a spouse may not be so realistic, so the married life is not so perfect, full of bumps and bumps. At the beginning of the second marriage, people are already more mature, they will see problems more comprehensively, and they will be more tolerant when getting along with each other. Therefore, they will find someone who is more suitable for them.
There are many such examples around me. I have a pair of friends. Both men and women look like idols, and they are dragons and phoenixes. Therefore, they also have extremely high requirements for marriage and pursue perfection. It seems that life must be like Qiong Yao's drama. Okay, so if there is a slight dissatisfaction, the lady will break down and quarrel, so their life rhythm is: extremely loving-big quarrel-extremely loving-big quarrel, and finally divorced.
Then for the second marriage, this lady didn’t have such high demands, and her attitude towards life was much more down-to-earth. She found an ordinary man who didn’t know much about flirting. He was just an ordinary businessman. As a result, the days got better and better. , gave birth to two children in a row, and now she is a happy mother.
Among my friends, and in the second marriage, I met like-minded people and studied and improved together. As a result, there was a real harmony. From family to career, there is a tacit understanding. The happiness of the two people is always on the face. .
I used this example to tell the patients yesterday, telling them that if you really find such a partner in your future marriage, you should thank your ex-husband for letting you leave the marriage that is not suitable for you , and finally found someone who really suits you, otherwise, where would your life be so happy?
Finally, to summarize:
Divorce must be a negative event, there will be heartbreak. However, post-divorce women must work harder, look forward, and strive to live a better life. Because, you make life more and more bitter, and when you look at the lost marriage, you will feel that what you lost is all good, and you are a failure. However, if you get better and better, and look back, you will feel that the original life was just like this, and there is no regret.
Therefore, the best choice is to live a good and wonderful life in the future.
If at this stage, the mood is really not good, leading to discomfort of liver qi, insomnia and other problems in the body, you can use the foot bath formula for soothing the liver and regulating qi that I recommended to regulate emotions:
Six grams of Bupleurum, six grams of Scutellaria, six grams of Pinellia, six grams of Codonopsis, six grams of Zhigancao, twenty grams of Poria, six grams of Guizhi, thirty grams of calcined keel, thirty grams of calcined oyster, and six grams of turmeric , six grams of polygala, six grams of Cyperus cyperi, six grams of roses, six grams of paeonol, and six grams of fried gardenia.
Boil water, soak feet, once a day, preferably twice, soak for 20 minutes each time, soak for a few days, there will be some improvement.
